


Decisions

by let_it_reign



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-05-20 14:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6012649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/let_it_reign/pseuds/let_it_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the thing you love the most begins to hurt the most?<br/>Involving the USWNT and one players commitment to the sport and their future. It will be mainly Whit and Ash with other USWNT appearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so please be gentle. Any criticism is welcome. I doubt this will head in a romantic direction I'm not that kind of person. Chapter is pretty short but it's just a kind of introduction and an idea that popped into my head. Also it's kinda late so my brain couldn't function enough for lots of work but I wanted to get this out to see what people think.  
> I'm from England so I guess I may use football(soccer) terms that are slightly different so please bear with me. So, yeah, enjoy.

The line-up had been announced. I was starting. From this point I could start to relax, get myself right for the game. My headphones went on, music started and I shut the world out. I prepared myself in the same way I had done for all the years I played the game. 

Music on. Left sock. Right sock. Left shin pad. Right shin pad. Left boot. Right boot. Stand up. Music off.

I made my way to the tunnel, focused, with my mind set on winning. We were playing England and they had always been a tough team to play against, so we knew it was going to be a long, battling match.

Tackles were being made left, right and centre they were constantly trying to break the defence and we would not let them. Tonight the US would keep a clean sheet. And of course we did, we ended the game victorious and I played the full 90 minutes. The rush that comes from a hard earned win will never get old.  
One by one the team made their way back into the changing rooms. I was the last one in. I wanted to savour the moment, keep it close; I never wanted the feeling to leave. And it didn’t. Getting changed for the bus ride to the hotel I was still on a high from winning and I still was right the way till I sat on the bus and I heard the all too common shouts of ‘well played today!’ and ‘you killed it out there’.

On the bus ride back, despite the victory and the quality we played with my mind kept going over my mistakes. The misplaced pass, the poor first touch and the breakaway we should have scored from had I not taken that extra touch. Thoughts that should only cross my mind after a loss kept spinning round in my head. To say I was mood killer that night was an understatement.

As I lay in bed I began to question my commitment to the sport that had been the one true constant in my life over the last 20 years. Friends come and go, as do lovers and jobs and all the little things in life, but the one thing, the one thing that had stayed the same and kept me going was still here. Football. Yet, here I was lying in bed considering what I could have done better, even after a loss. Some would say it is just having high expectations for yourself but me deep down inside I knew it was something more than that. 

Before I drifted to sleep I made my final decision for the night, it could be the best decision I have made or the worst but only time, regret and brand new opportunities will tell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff starts happening now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit longer. Hope you enjoy it.  
> There isn't a real time frame for this.

The next morning I decided to go out to get my own breakfast and not eat with the team. I needed to get my head straight and clear my mind before I went and spoke to Pia after our session today. With a steaming cup of coffee in my hand and wandered into the park that was just opposite the hotel the team was staying. I sat at the bench farthest away from the hotel and put my hood up; I didn’t want to be disturbed so I wanted to make sure that any fans would just walk past me.

I sat sipping my coffee when my phone began to ring. It was Ashlyn calling me and I considered letting it go to answer phone until I saw that she had also text a few times within the last 10 minutes.

‘Hey Ash’  
‘Where are you?' she asked sharply, 'Pia’s called a team meeting before we have training.’  
‘I’m just in the park having coffee, what’s the issue?’  
‘Errr… I don’t know, maybe the fact no one knew where you were when you didn’t come down for breakfast this morning’ the sarcasm and annoyance was clear from Ash's tone.  
‘Alright I probably should’ve said I was going out this morning, look I’ll be back in 5 minutes. Bye!’  
‘Okay, be quick though, Pia really isn’t happy.’

Well that ruined my plans for this morning. I briskly walked back to the hotel and entered to the meeting room. As I walked in Pia said something about me being late to the meeting but I just brushed her off with a small nod and took a seat towards the back of the room. I didn’t listen that much to what was said in the meeting because I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be out the field, I wanted to feel free and alive, sat in this room I definitely didn’t feel either of those things sat in this room.  
I doubt it will be long before someone notices how distant I am being and asks me about it. And, honestly, I don’t know how I feel so I don’t know what I’ll say to whoever brings it up. I hope it will be Cap because she has a way of knowing how we’re feeling when we don’t know ourselves. I’ll be fine with someone speaking to me about it so long as I’ve already had the chance to speak to Pia. I need to know what she thinks.

The meeting lasted about half an hour and it was just about our next steps as a team and moving forward from the victory against England. I decided to hang back after the meeting and speak to Pia there and then. If I didn’t do it now I could face some awkward conversations later. I waited until all the staff had left and the rest of the team had gone to get ready for our recovery session.

‘Erm. Pia could I speak to you please?’  
‘Of course Whit, what is it?’  
‘I was just wondering how you think I’ve been playing recently?’  
‘Well I don’t think I’ve seen you play better than you have been recently, why do you ask?’  
‘Um, Pia I want to be dropped.’  
‘What do you mean, dropped? To the bench? You’ve just earned a spot in the starting line up.’  
‘No, not to the bench, I want to be dropped from the national team, at least for now.’

Pia just looked at me with a blank stare, I don’t think she could quite understand what I was saying.

‘Look, I know this probably doesn’t make much sense, but I haven’t been enjoying the game as much. I came off the pitch after the win yesterday feeling down about my performance, questioning what I should’ve done better. Yes, I have high standards for myself but I shouldn’t be feeling like that after a win.’  
‘Whit, I can’t quite understand why you want to be dropped but I’m not going to ruin football for you if you’re not enjoying it. How about staying until the end of camp and see how you feel then, I can bench you if that’s what you really want but just see how these next few days go and speak to me after, okay?’  
‘Thank you Pia. Thank you for understanding, I really appreciate you calling me in to camp every time and I always treat it like it could be my last call up.’

I turned away to head back to my room at let out a deep sigh of relief. I had finally talked about what was bugging me but now I had I couldn’t decide if I felt better or not. Whilst I was getting ready someone knocked on the door. I walked over and opened the door, I was shocked when I saw Christie stood there, I was half expecting it to be Ash seeing as we always went to the bus together.

‘Whit, are you going to let me in?’

I just stood there, I knew Pia would probably speak to Christie but I hadn’t expected it to be so soon, I thought I might be able to get through at least one day without having this conversation.

‘Whit? Whit? Whitney?’  
‘Sorry Christie. Please come in.’

I shut the door behind her and followed her into my room before sitting on the bed opposite her.

I broke the silence first. ‘I guess Pia has spoken to you then?’

‘Yeah she has. Look I’m not going to judge you, I’ve been in your situation before but if I can change your mind, then I’m certainly going to try. Pia said you’ve asked to be dropped?’  
‘Yes. I did ask to be dropped.’  
‘Why though? I know many players would love to be in your position. Being called up into national team camp, being in the starting line up? Why would you choose to throw it away?’  
Christie was becoming more heated now, even though she said she wouldn’t judge I could see that she couldn’t quite understand my decision.  
‘Look Christie, I’m not taking what I have for granted believe me. I want to be dropped because I’m just not enjoying playing as much as I did before. I feel it would be best for me. I came off the pitch yesterday thinking of nothing but the negatives in my performance. That would makes sense had we lost, but we hadn’t. I understand I have high standards for myself but I shouldn’t be feeling so negative about a performance.’  
‘I understand Whit, I really do. I’m just worried that you’re making a decision that in two or three months you will really regret. I know it gets hard sometimes, having the constant pressure to perform well but that’s what makes us play better. And believe me you played so well yesterday, I truly believe that if you hadn’t been on the field England would have scored against us. I’m not just saying that to make you feel better either. All I can say is, please just think about it before you decide this is what you really want. If you ever need anything please just ask, my door is always open.’

I don’t know why but tears had begun forming in my eyes. Having Christie lay it all out like that truly put it into perspective.

‘Thanks Christie. Thank you so much. I’m going to speak to Pia again at the end of camp I still think I’ll leave for a bit though, I just need a break from it all.’  
‘It’s okay’ Christie says pulling me into a hug. ‘We all go through rough patches, just come out the other side better than you went in.’ with that she stood up and left to get ready for training.

I just sat. I didn’t feel like moving. I just wanted to stay here, let the team go to training and move on. I knew I couldn’t do that though so I finished getting ready and cleaned myself up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle speaking to my friends, especially Ashlyn, if they knew I had been crying.

I managed to get through that day’s session without feeling too down on myself. I relaxed enough to spend the night with Ashlyn, Ali, HAO and A-Rod. That night I realised that if I did decide to quit this is what I would miss the most. My team mates. Of course I still didn’t know if I could live without football, it was all my life had ever revolved around but I knew that I definitely couldn’t live without my team mates. We were all so close I couldn’t imagine not seeing them.

Pia decided to tell us all the line up for the game against Sweden a few days before the match. As she had promised I had been put on the bench, which did ultimately lead to some questions being raised after I had played so well against England. I had brushed off all the questions by saying I wasn’t feeling 100% and had taken a slight knock during the game. I should have expected however the Ash wasn’t going to accept that as an answer and wanted to know the real reason why I wasn’t going to start the match. In that moment when she asked me it was all too much and I felt completely overwhelmed.

I knew I would have to speak to her sooner or later about my future on the team but I decided that now wasn’t the time. So I had decided the next morning I would tell her. I asked her if she wanted to join me for breakfast tomorrow in the little café I had found this morning, of course she agreed. So this was it I was going to have to tell her. I most definitely did not sleep easy that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Whit didn't make the most recent roster and I'm still bitter about it. She was the first player that came to mind so yeah.  
> Criticism is welcome. Sorry if there are any errors. Are you liking this, it's just I have all the chapters planned but finding time to write is hard because of school work etc.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This didn't come out quite as well as I'd hoped. I know that these dates and that aren't right but like I already said there's no real time line. Hope you enjoy it and any feedback is really appreciated, both good and bad!

I knew I had to tell Ash I just didn’t know how, I’d stopped her from quitting playing and now the tables had turned. I met her at the hotel lobby and we walked to a local café that would offer us some peace and quiet. We walked to the café in silence- a comfortable silence- both of us gathering our thoughts, I needed to plan what I was going to say.  
We arrived at the café and ordered our breakfast, and still we sat in silence, I played with my coffee cup not knowing what to say, so I was somewhat relieved when Ashlyn broke the silence.  
‘Whit? Why aren’t you playing tomorrow?’  
I knew I couldn’t lie to her so I responded but I couldn’t look at her while I spoke.  
‘I’m not playing because I- because I asked Pia to drop me’ I mumbled out almost inaudibly.  
‘Wait, what? You asked to be dropped? Whit you’re practically guaranteed a place at the World Cup’  
This was going to be harder than I thought, I knew what I was going to say would hurt Ash.  
‘Look Ash, I’m going to explain to you what is happening, but I need you to promise me you won’t interrupt me. I know what you’re like and I know you’ll try to cut in but please this is hard enough as it is.’  
‘Okay’ Ash agreed reluctantly, ‘I’ll let you say what you have to’  
I was still unsure of what to say but I couldn’t put it off any longer I just had to get through this without getting too upset.  
‘So, Ash, you know I’m not starting tomorrow when everyone knows I should, you also know the rest of the team thinks I picked up a slight know but I know that you know that isn’t the case. I asked Pia to drop me because I’m not sure this is what I want to do anymore. I’m not enjoying playing as much as I used to and after every game I can only pick out negatives. I’m not saying I’m going to stop playing completely though, I just need a break from it all, I need to see if football is what I want my life to be.’ Tears welled up in my eyes the whole time I said this and I couldn’t look at Ash because I know that would have made me burst into tears.  
‘Whit I just don’t get it’ her voice was breaking when she spoke, ‘you’ve worked so hard for this, you’ve got a place on the starting line-up. Why would you want to throw it all away?’  
‘Ash, my heart just isn’t in it anymore’  
‘Whit, I spend every day knowing that no matter how hard I work I’ll be second or third best and there’s nothing I can do about it. My heart’s still in it so I don’t see how when you actually get to play for your country your heart isn’t in it. Look, remember that conversation we had when I wanted to quit?’ she looked up and I nodded trying to hold back tears, ‘Remember everything you said, does not of that mean anything anymore? Whit just think of where football has got you, who you’ve met because of it, the memories that have been made and have yet to be made. You want to get rid of all that because right now, at this moment in time, your heart isn’t in it? Is it really worth losing all that you’ve worked for, all that you’ve been through?’ Ash said rather heatedly.  
I knew this was hurting her but I had no response.  
‘Ash I’m sorry I just…’  
‘Whit, I’m sorry I can’t do this right now’ she said as she stood up and left the café.  
I must have spent the next few hours just sat in the café. My coffee and breakfast had gone old and all my tears had dried up hours ago but still I couldn’t bring myself to move. Everything Ash had said was playing round in my head but I still couldn’t see any logical reason why I should keep playing if it was becoming more of a chore every day. I decided that I needed to go and face Ash again; I couldn’t leave it like this. I got up, thanked the owner of the café and headed back to the hotel.

Ashlyn’s POV  
After I left the café I went straight back to the hotel and back to my room. As soon as I got into my room I lay on the bed, I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t think straight. Alex was my roommate and she knew immediately something was wrong.  
‘Ash, what’s up?’  
‘I don’t know what to do. Whit wants to quit the team.’  
Ash what do you mean, wants to quit the team, she’s playing so well’  
‘I know Alex, that’s what I said to her, but there’s a reason she is on the bench tomorrow.’  
‘Yeah, she took a knock against England and they want to rest it, come on Ash she told us that.’  
‘No Alex, that’s not it. She asked Pia to drop her. She asked to be put on the bench, she wants to quit the team’ I finally got out, it felt like a weight of me when I told Alex.  
‘But.. it doesn’t make sense, Ash. I’ve never seen Whit play so well and she’s practically already on the plane to Germany.’  
‘She would be if she wanted to go. I just don’t understand. She says her heart isn’t in it anymore. What’s that supposed to mean Alex? Some of us work hard every day just to take a place on the bench and HER heart isn’t it?’  
‘Look Ash I know you’re pissed at her, but this can’t be easy for her either. Whether you agree or disagree with Whit, you’re her best friend; she’ll need your support this can’t have been an easy decision for her to make.’  
‘Thanks Alex, you’re a great friend, just please I don’t think anyone else knows so just keep quiet about it yeah? ‘  
‘Of course Ash, just let me know if you ever need anything as well, I’m always here for you’  
I mumbled out a ‘thank you’ of sorts before reflecting over what had happened this morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game vs Sweden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to go on the end of the last chapter but I messed up so its a short filler chapter.  
> school took over my life so I'm sorry to anyone who actually cared/read this story.  
> I should have it finished in a couple of days providing exams don't kill me.  
> sorry for any mistakes its so late where I live so yeah enjoy I suppose?

So here it was; my final, for now, national team game. I knew what I was as some would call it ‘throwing away’ but I had made my decision so I decided just to take it all in for one last time.

Music on. Left sock. Right sock. Left shin pad. Right shin pad. Left boot. Right boot. Stand up. Music off.

I pulled on the bib which signified my place on the subs bench, I hoped to just fade out of the national team and that was going to happen sat on the bench. 

Ashlyn still hadn’t spoken to me since this morning and to be honest I don’t blame her, I can see how this looks to her. All those years ago I had kept her in the game and now here I was running away from it.

I pushed all that to that back of my mind and settled down to enjoy my time on the bench.

At half time we were still tied 0-0 with Sweden and they were asking more and more questions of the backline as time went on. It came as no surprise to me that 15 minutes into the second half Pia was forced to, rather reluctantly, sub me in. Yes, it was only a friendly but we weren’t risking showing any signs of weakness. I slowly step forward over the white line that has dictated my life for many years and tried to savour what could well be my last 30 minutes in a US kit.

Sweden were a strong team and they kept pressuring the defense but never making it through and so far we had held them to having long shots on goal. I glanced up towards to clock. 10 minutes to goal, let’s just get a goal, let’s end on a high note.

A high note it wasn’t to be, a late challenge from the Swedish striker ended my hopes of a fairy tale ending. I knew it wasn’t good news the moment I hit the floor. The medical staff rushed on, quickly signally to Pia to make a sub and helped me make my way gingerly off the pitch. 

I hobbled my way round to the subs bench and Ashlyn made her way over to me. I briefly thought she was concerned for me as a friend and had changed her opinion of me but on look at her showed that wasn’t to be the case.

‘Whit, I hope you’re okay and all but I guess this is perfect for you, huh? Getting to ride off into the sunset cowardly leaving everything you worked for behind claiming an injury.’ Ashlyn whispered harshly into my ear.

‘Ashlyn, please understand…’ but it was too late she had retaken her position on the bench.

We held Sweden 0-0 and the scan on my ankle revealed I had severe ligament damage, which with an intense rehab programme could be healed within 3 months. These numbers didn’t matter to me though, I had all the time in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hate how short this was, the next, and final few chapters, should be longer (I hope)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a jumpy chapter-covers quite a few years very briefly. Hopefully I haven't jinxed anything (makes sense towards the end of the chapter)  
> anyway enjoy the final chapter. this took a lot longer than I had hoped but at least I finally finished it. Sorry if there are any mistakes.

7 months later

After my sudden departure from the footballing world I’d decided to set up my own little coffee shop. I always loved getting a coffee with the team so this was my connection whilst no longer being connected to the team. Despite my good run of form before I quit playing I was still a largely unknown player so I could just carry on with my life as if football had never been a part of it.  
After my injury I had taken my time to recover and then still kept in contact with the team. I had been right behind as they narrowly lost out on the 2011 World Cup, and I had at least monthly contact with most of the team.  
Still, whilst having quit the game was hard to deal with sometimes, I couldn’t have been happier for the girls. Publicity for them was rising and they were finally getting the attention they deserved. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get jealous and wish I’d carried on playing. Whenever I thought that however I always realised I made the right decision.

Summer 2012

My contact with the team has become less and less as time as gone on, I mainly just speak to the UNC girls every now and then but I don’t think Ashlyn will ever properly forgive me.  
It was time for the Olympics and the girls were out to get gold, and I was going to support them every step of the way. I booked the plane and match tickets and made sure I wouldn’t miss a single one of their games. I never told anyone I was going to England though.  
I travelled up and down the relatively small country all summer backing the US 100% the whole time, all without them ever knowing I was there. The feeling of watching them win gold was the best thing I had ever felt in my whole life and I had never been so proud of the team. I did of course congratulate them all after the final but I still never let them know I had watched their games, I had no idea how they might react to seeing me for the first time in a few years.

After being back in the US for a couple of months I realised just how much I missed football and how much I had taken playing the sport I loved for my job for granted. So despite my successful business I decided I wanted to get back into the game, I had stayed in shape since leaving football so it was just a case of improving my match sharpness and the small issue of finding a team willing to sign me.  
I had heard of a new league that had been set up in England only the year before so decided the chance my luck there. I contacted the managers of a few teams and only the Liverpool Ladies manager was willing to give me a trial. So that was it, I sold the coffee shop packed my suitcase and flew out to Liverpool to find out what the future had in store for me.  
My trial with Liverpool had been a success and the manager asked me to sign for the 2013 season. In a fortunate sort of way women’s football had very little publicity in England meaning that my signing was not known about. Communication with my old team mates had become more sporadic so I wasn’t completely surprised that when I moved to Liverpool contact with them ended pretty soon after.  
Whilst in Liverpool I had re-joined with ex-Tar Heel Lucy Bronze, so at least I knew someone. I had a brilliant season with Liverpool and partway into 2014 I received a call up to the national team. This could be slightly awkward.  
Re-entering camp for the first time I was met with some confused looks. Ashlyn marched over to me stood directly in front of me and pulled me into a great bear hug.   
‘I knew you couldn’t stay away’ she whispered into my ear.  
‘I know, I made a huge mistake 3 years ago.’  
‘That doesn’t matter now Whit, you’re here so lets just get you back in the starting line up yeah?’  
‘Yeah let’s do that’ I said to Ash, slightly teary eyed, it was as if I’d never been away.  
The 2 week camp was hard, very hard. I quickly adjusted however and impressed the new coaching staff. The rest of the team acted like I’d never been away, however I did learn that they had known I’d watched them at the Olympics and they seemed offended I’d never spoken to them at the time.

2015

I’d got myself back into National Team contention and I wasn’t going to throw it away. I was on the verge of being named to the World Cup roster and I wasn’t missing out this time.

We’d won the World Cup. The win was bitter sweet however as I never got to see a minute of playing time-the only outfield player on the squad not to. I wasn’t going to complain though, I was now a world champion and when I’d had the opportunity the first time I had thrown it away so I wasn’t going to moan now.  
These past few years had been good to me.

2016

At the start of the year id been starting games and playing really well and now the Olympic roster had been announced- I wasn’t on it. All my hard work seemed to be for nothing  
I’d missed my opportunity to play on the 2 biggest stages in the world- I’d wasted it on a coffee shop. It took a long time for me to get back playing consistently again but I was determined to make the most of however long I had left of my career.

Looking back now of course I regret quitting the team all those years ago, but I did and it happened so there’s not a lot I can do now. I may never play a minute of Olympic or World Cup football but at least I get to spend every minute of every day doing what I love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it if you read the whole thing. it didn't really go where i'd hoped but I didn't know where it was going to start with. so yeah, I might write something else hopefully once I get some inspiration,  
> Thank you if you read the whole thing.


End file.
